Ten *NEW* Uses for All That Bonemeal

They said it couldn’t be done. That there is NO WAY to come up with enough uses for bonemeal to would warrant a seemingly compulsive obsession with hoarding this powdery product of a felled skeleton. Well I, Mortimer J Heckhorst of the Daily Bard, have taken on this Herculean task for myself and have compiled a listicle of several BRAND NEW uses not only justifying its collection, but also my employment as a journalist.

Tooth, Horn and Hoof Paste

Look at that! A brand new invention courtesy of yours truly. Try mixing up some of that sweet skeleton silt with a bit of water until it forms a creamy amalgamation you can apply to your outside bones. Give 'em a scrub and you’ll soon have pearls so glaringly bright, they’re guaranteed to stop even the most eyeless of Blind Monks dead in their tracks. Be sure to rinse thoroughly though, as consuming any amount of bonemeal can and will ABSOLUTELY turn your insides out.

Bonebread Muffins

Right on to number two. Easy peasy. I know I just got done talking about the hazards of ingesting bonemeal, but heck, I would hate to have our more adventurous readers miss out on this potential delicacy. The concept is simple enough: replace the flour in your favorite muffin or sweet roll recipe with an equal amount of bonemeal. I can feel my stomach a-rumbling already, and doesn’t that name just SOUND catchy? “Yeah I’ll take a loaf of your greyest Bonebread.” “No more Bonebread for me thanks. I’m stuffed!” “A round of Bonebread on the house!” Could be big.

To date, the only documented “success” of it being a foodstuff is in the Frozen O’s over at Chilly Willy’s. While “Boney” Bill himself attests to its comestible nature, I can neither confirm nor deny that him being a skeleton is an important factor in this matter.

Artist rendering of a hypothetical Bonebread Muffin.

Plant Fertilizer

I am going to be straight with you, this has been around for a while. Some would even argue that other than being used in a few alchemic instances this is its primary vocation. I am not claiming to have come up with this one, but its addition was deemed necessary to give this article a bit more credibility. Plant food. But get a load of this next one and I think you’ll forgive me for what might be considered “padding the numbers”.

Recreational Insufflation

Yo! Kids these days will cram any old thing into their veins or up their butts in the quest for that next big high. Some have called it an epidemic, sure, but try seeing it from a more capitalistic view point. Selling bonemeal to children provides an opportunity to make a quick buck while offloading a fraction of the endless supply of bonemeal we all live with (not to mention a possible remedy to our rampant orphan infestation). I asked around the office to see if anyone had looked into this yet and Janice down in Market Research says the initial euphoria almost makes up for having to watch your own nose “melt right off your face”. Promising!

Chafing Powder

If you’re one of those adventurer types spending all your days in a heavy suit, stomping around the countryside under the gaze of the blistering sun; there is little doubt of the sort of crotch soup you have forced your own loins to marinate in. This leads to serious irritation and can be incredibly uncomfortable, while also opening yourself up to the possibility of a grievous infection of your most tender of bits. Fortunately it has been said that patting yourself down with a handful of bonemeal could actually prevent this regrettable scenario. Be sure any sores have not opened up though because you DO NOT want this stuff getting into your blood.

Practical Jokes for the Office

It's an unfortunate fact that all of us at the Bard have accepted; many of us will be well into our 30’s before we feel the sweet release of death. It’s a side-effect of our leisurely lives being spent at the ol’ scribes table, rather than toiling away in some field or mine as the Gods intended. Oh how we long to live beyond the pale and be free to piss from the high heavens onto the drooling masses of this fine city. 

That being the case, I have decided to liven things up around the DB Headquarters, leaving deposits of bonemeal hither and thither where unsuspecting victims would never...suspect. It’s been a right laugh and the constant threat of it being slipped into our coffee cups keeps us living on the dagger’s edge.

Pet Litter

What is this, number 8? Thought I’d be done by now. That bit about the chafing powder was brilliant though. And the muffins? Surely a home run. Let’s be honest, many of us will just be pitching the majority of what we collected off our boney brethren right out the God’s damned window anyways. Why not let your house beast shit freely on a tray of it first and it’s already been given more of a purpose than it would have otherwise. 

Eye Irritant

As I read back the article thus far I have noted a common theme of keeping this death powder on the outermost of your person (barring our child demographic who could hardly be considered persons anyways). BUT what if you purposely just rubbed some in your eyes? That’s something right? Maybe something with ghosts? Seeing them? That could be cool. Someone almost certainly has a reason to do this.

Roof Patch

Yep, same thing as the bone/horn/whatever paste from earlier. Mix it with water and put it on stuff. While its structural benefits add up to exactly null, you can at least fill in some of the holes of your thatched roof and keep the birds from watching you sleep. Admittedly it will most likely crumble at the first sign of rain or a mild wind and plop right back into your home to remain the plague on our lives it has always been. There’s just so much and its fucking everywhere. For a while though, you will be sticking it to the birds and THAT is a cause everyone can get behind.

Piles

Just keep it in a pile. You were going to do this all along. I’m done. Better yet, don’t pick up every fucking mound of bone meal you come across unless you plan on starting a garden or snorting your way to the Afterworld.